Perforated Metals and Filtration by Bridgwater Filters Ltd

Evening Herald 10.6.02 by Penny Lane (An insight into poverty amongst the steel classes)

‘Local Steel Stockholding Manager buys new socks on strength of base price increase.’

Firstly, apologies for the time between updates. Those of you who are regulars know that BFL has been undertaking many changes internally (ooh er!) with its systems to cope with demand placed upon it by customers. The crux being that communications between our operations are scheduled to improve by default. The whole transaction process will change so improvements should be noted towards the end of this year (we need a little time to perfect things) 2002.
Good news also prevails – we have achieved the new ISO Standard 9001: 2000 which should give you the customer some confidence that what we are setting out to achieve will be completed. Also, we proudly boast that we asked you the customer what you thought of us, and we found we could print most it if needed! This resulted in a BenchmarQ Gold certificate for customer satisfaction! Big smiles all around.
On the lighter side, you know how we like to keep you abreast of staff activities, well here goes; Mark Rackham successfully completed his First Aid at Work certificate (thank God!) and is therefore currently doing mouth puckering exercises in case mouth to mouth is required on visiting students - directors I am assured are out of the question and if discovered slightly blue will be directed by taxi to the local A & E.

Mark has impressed many with his attention and skill with bleeding wounds, however those enquiring ref ‘bleeding piles’ will not be treated on-site – Mark is arranging a special home therapy course, applicants must apply in writing.
Douglas Peter Grant (as he is affectionately known by many), well he’s had a fantastic year (we don’t know why, but he just keeps saying it!). You know how some people are born at the wrong time; well Doug has this sheer ‘cad’ style which seems to be a winner with the milder sex, and has its origins from his mentor Leslie Phillips (those of you tuning in from afar – ‘well Hellllllllllo’ in a ‘Carry On’ type styli). Doug has recently reverted from his attempt at seventies revivalism i.e., one ‘Mullet’ hairstyle complimented by ‘Shaft’ type ‘mutton chops’, and has gone for the more refined cut of the aforementioned Mr Phillips. A change in transport arrangements has seen him leap from the mundane but effective Rover 25, to a sporting 1.4 Fiesta in environmentally friendly mint green. Nippy, and a definite hit with the ladies, Doug has submitted his findings on this ‘beast of the road’ to Top gear Magazine – a periodical revered by the one and only Alan Partridge. Need we say more? Believe the hype!

Shane, our Irish arm has come on a treat. Settling down nicely he now feels safe in the company of Mark & Dougie on their social nights out. Shane has revealed many hidden talents, namely body popping whilst inebriated but staying upright (v.clever) and having a kind of homing pigeon guidance system for returning home whilst under the influence of one ‘Suzie Aftershock.’ These beverages as you may be aware are initially harmless at first, but can render the recipient unconscious after a simple sniff! Shane is currently undertaking a recycling programme (now I know he’s changed his bike – v. nice it is too, though a little orange for our tastes, and that seat, well there’s another story) insofar as he is making his nephew a Windy House (about tix by tree- which is 1.83M x 0.915M for our continental friends) with functioning door and windows. He totally refutes claims that he is leaving his current abode, circa Dudley, and going to live in his sisters back-garden for reasons of tax.

Mr Poole is currently playing catch-up with many aspects of the aforementioned changes and has recently returned

Eat...

from a well-earned break in Fuerteventura where he acknowledges that naturism is rife. Eating & drinking amongst beautiful people who really don’t fulfil their potential at these resorts, however many of our aged friends seem to gain a new lease of life! Steve commented (‘no comment’) on a local paper headline after returning from said holiday with a medical condition akin to that suffered by one Mr Michael Jackson. The condition involves a strange pigmentation process, which has seen Steve vary in colour in a most spectacular way. The headline was as follows:

‘MAN IS 2 TONE! - A NOVELTY BUT SIGNIFICANT!’

The report was done by one Constance Baker, who insisted that a Top Totti Magazine study showed that using some novelty items in bed led to a healthier sex life. Steve claimed that this reporter was eager to do a follow-up report somewhere close to Skegness.
It has become official that our receptionist now believes that scooter riders are SAD. Certain enquirers to BFL’s wares did not welcome this point. As a resort/retort Steve has organised a public flogging in West Bromwich Town, to be accompanied out loud by an exclusive selection of Northern Soul music courtesy of the New Untouchables (thanks go here to Fast Eddie & DJ Tonic Tony). Jane will be given a chance however; the flogging will consist of locally picked onions thrown from a distance of some 10 yards (a calculation of relevance and all the more important if you understand the impact of a Spanish onion thrown by a local lass). Jane will not be allowed to wear Scholls - rule number 1 and cannot be bent. Apart from that anything else goes. Mad eh!

Tony has secretly taken an environmental awareness course and has campaigned in earnest (or was that with Ernest?) against the building of community centres without the absolute required planning specification. Champion of the people Tony is becoming somewhat of a magnet to the

..Belgian.. chocolates…..

local ladies and Steve has recently admitted to countersigning an order to a Belgian supplier of select chocolates. Watch this space.

Sue Shaw, that champion of accounts, has made arrangements to collect her medal from the Queen sometime in the autumn (she feels that the colours of the leaves will add to the enchantment of the occasion).

...and

Currently driving a career threatening Ford Probe (in hussy RED) she is facing a new challenge - as to whether to investigate a new employ - something quieter, easier on the ears! With sadness we hear she has found such a pasture new. Good luck in the new job! Miss you! Sue has overseen her replacement, namely one Denise Roberts who has fitted in very nicely although undertaking some kind of therapy to counter the voices and odd noises apparently accompanying her during office hours. There is no truth to the rumour that WD40 has been applied somewhere but has failed to cure this strange sound - a further attempt is to be made later this year with hopes that a cure will be found by Christmas. We welcome Denise to the Bridgwater madness.
Were all happy, well kind of. You seem to be though! At least that’s what you tell us! Remember some things happen. Some things happen v.slowly. Some things happen after a push, some things happen if you know a bloke who can make things happen. Finally, some things however much you want to happen just don’t happen at all, even if pushed, promoted, encouraged, demanded,

shit happens…

talked about nicely, nastily and simply stretched out. Shit happens, that’s life or one of the other clichés in the BFL cliché book. TTFN.